A mom to two under two

Miles Christopher was born at 37 weeks and 5 days on July 22nd weighing in at 5 lbs and 18 1/4″ long. My tiny little thing.

The night before was like any other night. My mom made it into town and after a nice dinner with the family, my husband took us out on a golf cart ride. The ride all of a sudden turned into an off-road adventure towards the end. I don’t know what my husband was thinking 🙄 anyway, I decided after that bumpy golf cart ride that I needed a glass of wine. Then I decided after that glass of wine, that having sex would be the icing on top of the cake. Mind you, I was really uncomfortable at this point in my pregnancy that I wanted him out (naturally of course).

At about 1 am I woke up with contractions. I timed them for a few hrs only to become more uncomfortable as the pain grew more intense. Was it the golf cart ride, the wine or sex that put me into labor? Maybe a combo of all 3. Finally at 5 am I called the on call OB who luckily happened to be my ob! She told me to come in to get monitored and at 630, we arrived at the hospital. I was exhausted. My eyes were blood shot from lack of sleep and I had a headache.

They hooked me up to the monitors and saw I was having contractions. I hate that they always ask me “on a scale of 1-10, what is your pain level?” I may have lied and told them it was worse than it really was because I know I would be sent home and there was no way I was leaving the hospital without a baby. The nurse checked to see if I was dilated and I was at a 1! Oh the agony.

At 930 my OB came in and after she checked me I was at a 1.5. It was so slow going, but after she gave me all my options, I decided to stay until noon, get rechecked, and if I hadnt progressed, they would send me home. Noon rolled around, and when the nurse checked me at the time, I had dilated to a 4. It was on, we would be having Miles that day. Ryan sent out the massive text to immediate family that he was coming.

At 2 pm I got the epidural. I was more aware of everything this time around. The epidural hurt so bad going in. I started crying and shaking. The anesthesiologist couldn’t stop the procedure obviously, but I was in pain. The nursing staff talked me through me and kept me calm as best they could and finally it was in.

Hours past and I could feel every contraction. I was so scared going into labor as the epidural was working on only the left side of my body. I kept telling the nurse it wasn’t working and she kept telling me to push the blue button. I must have pressed that button 8-10 times until finally my left side was so limp and the right side was finally somewhat numb. I am such a baby when it comes to pain. At 5:55 pm I was 10cm and my ob told me to begin pushing. I pushed 4 times and our 2nd little miracle was born at 5:59.

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36 weeks

I’m in the home stretch y’all. I am exactly 36+1 and in exactly 3 more days, Mason was born. I’m a little nervous about this week given that my son was born a little over 3 weeks early, but am counting my blessings for each day God grants me to have this baby boy growing inside of me.

This pregnancy has been a little more challenging in the sense that I have the most difficult time breathing. I had a panic attack last week and lost my marbles as I gasped for air while trying to eat dinner. I was home alone with my son while my husband was on business, and after sobbing for 5 min. I pulled it together and started taking long deep breaths. I didn’t want to scare my son, but I was scared. A few days ago the baby shifted positions and has alleviated some pressure on my lungs…or so I keep telling myself.

My bag is packed, the infant car seat is installed, and my mom is coming down this weekend to help with whatever else we might need leading up to his arrival.

It is bittersweet knowing that Mason won’t be my only child anymore. I still stare at him and tear up as I reflect on our infertility journey and that he was the first little miracle my body was able to keep. He is the sweetest little boy, with red curly hair, and a smile that will melt your heart. He has a silly personality, just like his dad and is loved unconditionally by so many. Now excuse me while I go sob in a corner….

36 weeks

28 weeks with miracle #2

Although this is pregnancy #4, this is my 2nd little miracle.

Wow has time flown. I definitely feel like this pregnancy has gone by faster than my last. Possibly because I am chasing around my 15 month old who constantly keeps me on my toes. This pregnancy has also been rough in the sense that I’m in a lot more pain. The pain is mainly in my lower back, and it’s almost to the point where I need to go see a PT for these remaining weeks.

Let’s rewind a little bit to the anatomy scan. We had this at 20 weeks and all is well. They did have some issues seeing the baby’s spine, so after waiting 5 weeks, I went back for a rescan and everything is ok. Phew. Although we received great news, I still don’t feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief until the baby is actually born. This week marks the moment where I do kick counts. I am extremely diligent about this as my anxiety gets bad around this point. Unlike the placement of Masons placenta, which was anterior, MCM placenta is posterior, so I feel EVERYTHING. I have been feeling his kicks since 16 weeks, and this little guy is so active.

My OB is absolutely wonderful. I was nervous with the switch, but I honestly like her approach a bit more than my Napro dr in the sense that 1. She’s a woman and has two kids 2. She knows what to expect from childbirth 3. Is very much empathetic to my situation. Not that my Napro Dr. wasn’t, but his focus is to figure out what’s wrong, get you pregnant and keep you pregnant.

I am still high risk as my progesterone levels have been low with this pregnancy. Much lower than what they were with Mason. I still take 200ml every 3 days, have blood draws every 4 weeks, have ultrasounds about every other visit to make sure the baby is getting everything he needs from me. My dr mentioned he is measuring in the small side, which in turn sent me into a panic. She assured me that I need to remain calm and that the baby is measuring on track in regards to fetal age.

She will continue to monitor me going forward every two weeks to make sure his growth is on track.

On a happier note, we have Mason in school now. He goes every day for half a day and I pick him up after nap time. He has his good days and his bad days as he is accustomed to being home with me, but we know it will be good for him in the long run.

My mom will be here starting in July until she goes back to work in August to help with Mason and MCM once he is born.

I’m anxious to see what life will be like with a 2nd child. I know that there are times when I struggle with just one, so bringing two into the mix I know will bring its challenges….but I’m so ready.

This is what I prayed so long for and continue to thank God daily for all the blessings we have been given.

Until next time…

An Imperfect Mom Moment

We all make mistakes when it comes to motherhood. In my short 14 months as a new mom, I make mistakes every single day. And this little story is no different.

Although this is an infertility blog, I still would like to share my many mom moments as I am sure someone out there can relate.

Mason is now a toddler. A running, climbing, screaming at the top of his lungs toddler who I love to pieces. It’s like everything I knew before I became a mom no longer mattered. All that matters is my son and the precious moments I spend with him as a stay at home mom.

Well, sometimes I screw up and my eyes are not on him 24-7. That was the day he drank nail polish remover.

They say that you need to remain calm in stressful situations….but let’s be real here, calm doesn’t exist in my vocabulary.

I’m not one to leave anything unopened (especially a chemical) out in reach of my son, nor is it customary for me to not put the lid back on. Mason is taking just about anything with a lid on it he can find and puts it straight to his mouth like he is going to drink it. He’s been doing that for a while, and the bottle of nail polish remover was no different. My eyes turned away from him for a split second…and that’s really all it took. When I looked back the lid had fallen off and the liquid was going into his mouth, face, clothes, ground…EVERYWHERE!

I ran to him, took the bottle out of his hand, and picked him up as he began to gasp for air. I must have yelled my husbands name 50 times as I ran with Mason who was gasping/crying/screaming to the kitchen. I handed him to Ryan while he held him over the sink as he doused him with water. He had no choice but to get him to throw up, so he stuck his finger down his throat and my poor baby threw up twice. All the while, I am panicking. I am also 22 weeks pregnant, so the situation just wasn’t going to get better.

Ryan began to scream his head off at me because I turned my back on Mason for a second. Honest mistake. But I felt horrible. Total mom fail. I quickly phoned his pediatrician who told me to call Poison Control. After speaking with PC, they assured me that it was ok and to make sure he drank lots of water. I then called my dad who has been working in chemical sales for his entire life, who also assured me that acetone was the least poisonous of chemical liquids and should be followed through with lots of fluids if ingested.

What a whirlwind. About 15 minutes later, Mason was back to normal as if nothing had ever happened.

I share this scary story because I know this won’t be the last time something traumatic like this will happen. I just thank the Lord for giving me a patient and CALM husband who can deal with situations like this, because I don’t know what I would have done had he not been home. It also shows that I REALLY need to work on being proactive rather than a screeching mess.

So moms, don’t feel like you have to be perfect everyday because there is no such thing as the perfect mom.

Promoted to Big Brother

It wasn’t a secret that we wanted to grow our family fast. It was not something I stayed quiet about either. I wasn’t scared to tell my family and friends that I wanted to have my kids all back to back should the good Lord allow it. Well, that wish came true over Thanksgiving.

The wounds of infertility however never go away, not really. Though I had an easy and healthy pregnancy with Mason, who’s to say this one will go as smoothly. I have anxiety everyday. I have fear everyday. On top of that, I’m so nauseous I feel guilty for not being able to give Mason all of my attention because I’m laid up in the couch trying not to hurl.

However, the faith I have in God shines that light of hope that everything is going to be ok. Just like my pregnancy with miracle #1, miracle #2 will be put in God’s hands.

A few things have changed, as I now have a new OB. She works alongside my Napro Dr. so going with her was an easy decision. He also trusts her immensely, and I trust him, so I feel good about the switch.

I am 13 weeks 3 days today. Today we had an ultrasound with the MFM doctor to check for fluid on the back of baby’s neck. All good there. This new OB let us do the panorama blood screening (something my previous ob did not offer). All came back low risk and we found out we are having another BOY!

Mason will have a baby brother come August! I am excited that they will be close in age, but also happy we don’t have to buy anything, with the exception of diapers, wipes and new bottles….and possibly a double stroller.

I was more cautious with this pregnancy when it came to telling friends/family. This time, it was my husband who wanted to keep it a secret for as long as we could, which made me not want to say anything for as long as I could keep the secret in.

Below are a few pictures of Mason and I during his 1 year photo session. I think I’m going to pick one to put on a card and send to family.

 

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I have a 1 year old

They say times flies when you are having fun. This last year has been so fun, but hard as I became a mom to this beautiful baby boy. I began to reflect all last week about the moments leading up to Masons birth. Contractions for days, running to L&D several times in one week, having my water break 3 weeks and 2 days before his due date. All the whirlwind drama and my husband driving 100 miles an hr down the highway to get me to the hospital. I laugh about it now, but it was probably the scariest moments of my life. To experience all of it and not know what the heck was going on….then to see the two most beautiful pair of grey eyes starring back at me. All of it was worth it.

We threw Mason a party and invited family and a few of his friends. He cried while we sang happy birthday to him as he had no idea what was going on. The smash cake was a complete fail as he wanted nothing to do with it. Poor kid doesn’t like getting his hands dirty.

Despite the melt down, the party was a success. That little boy is so loved by so many people, it warms my heart to see how much everyone cares and loves him.

A few facts about Masons development:

1. He has yet to take his first steps, but wants to so bad. I catch him getting up on all four legs, like he is trying to stand, but can’t quite get it.

2. He jib jabs non stop. It also amazes me how much he understands what I’m saying to him.

3. He gives the best kisses. They do consist of him opening his mouth and licking me, but I love them.

4. He says about 4 words, mama being my favorite.

5. He loves his Abuelita very much. He loves his other grandparents and aunts and uncles too, but his Abuelita(my mom) is his lady.

6. He LOVES his baba (bottle). Now that he’s one, I’m working on giving him more food and cutting back on formula. This has been the most challenging aspect of motherhood for me.

7. He has three teeth. Two on the bottom and one on top. I noticed tonight that he has another one breaking through the top gum.

A few years ago, I bought a gender neutral outfit. It was a pair of Texas A&M onesies. It was purchased in between my miscarriages in the hope that one day I would have a baby that would wear it. Those onesies symbolized hope. Hope for all those women, including myself who are battling infertility or had suffered a loss. Today, Mason wore those onesies! They had been hanging in his closet, washed and ready for over two years.

I mention this because I don’t want you, my friends, to ever lose faith in hope. Do what you have to do to seek help and find answers. Be your own advocate, if you believe in a higher power, never stop praying, believing, wishing, or hoping. God grants us miracles. It may be through friends, family, a doctor, or a complete stranger, but miracles happen everyday. No matter what part of your infertility journey you are in, know that you ARE NOT ALONE.

Where has the time gone

I’ve been thinking about my blog for a while.

I didn’t want to be one of those women in this horrendous infertility journey, have a baby, then stop blogging. I owe it to myself just a little bit more than that, and to those who follow who might be curious what my life is like today.

For starters, I’m thinking about changing the name from “road to baby” to “road to babies.” Not a huge difference, but since we are trying to grow our family, I figured it would be appropriate.

Life as a stay at home mom has put me through all sorts of emotions. There are days where I miss working a full time job, days leaving Mason for a few hrs give me anxiety, days where I just need a break from the screaming, days where I love being a SAHM and couldn’t see my life any other way. There are times where I feel like no longer being able to provide for our family makes me feel sad. However, we are so incredibly lucky that my husband’s business is excelling and the need for me to work isn’t necessary at this time.

Our days start with Mason and I waking up between 730-8am, followed by breakfast and play time. We play for a few HOURS until he wants to nap. He is still taking 2-3 naps a day. The worst part is that he is so dependent on me latching him each time to fall asleep. Technically, I’m not lactating anymore, so I’m his pacifier since he refuses to even take one. I don’t think I’ll continue to do that much longer as his teeth are coming in. We sometimes run errands, then at 4 o’clock just about everyday we go to the crossfit gym. Come home, make dinner, play some more, then go to bed. He still sleeps in our room in his pack n play until 2-3 in the morning where he wakes for a feeding, then we put him in our bed for the rest of the night. Can we say spoiled much?

His first birthday is on Sunday. I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS. All I want to do is cry thinking that our miracle child is going to be ONE! We are throwing a little party for him with family and friends.

He says “dada”, “papa”, “baba” “whoo whoo” (for the dogs), but my favorite is when I hear him say “mama”. I cried the first time he said it. It’s what I waited 4 years for.

A little update on my husband and I, we got married through the Catholic Church in November. It was a very nice, and small ceremony. I’ll post a few photos below.

I started my own little business earlier this year called KM Designs. I design and make custom wood signs as well as shirt, cups, car decals. Whatever you can stick vinyl to, I can do it. Over the holidays I was able to make some good money to pay for Christmas gifts and part of our honeymoon to Colorado.

This is all for now. I’ve got a few more posts to write regarding Masons birthday, and having to switch Obgyns.

It’s been a while

It’s been a few months since I’ve blogged. Being a mom and chasing after an eight month old is hard but fun! 8 months! My little miracle is crawling, pulling himself up, climbing onto things, babbling, and eating solids. He LOVES food. And yes, his hair is still red. This baby is a chick magnet! I am starting to get tired of ppl asking me where his red hair came from. It’s obvious Ryan and I are not red heads so for the record, it comes from my side as my dad has red hair.

My life as a stay at home mom is tough. I’m tired like ALL the time. The lack of sleep is my life now, but I honestly wouldn’t trade it in for anything. I do have moments where I need a break, and I usually find that hr every day to go to Crossfit or run to the grocery store or get a pedicure. That one hr of me time is precious, but Mason never leaves my mind.

I’ve been charting my fertility cycle now for 3 months and I finally got my period at the beginning of September. I saw my doctor today and I’m so sad to learn he will no longer be delivering babies, rather focus on infertility patients and surgery. I literally cried in his office. After sucking it up, he said he would be my doctor up until the point I got pregnant, then I’d have to find a new obgyn. Luckily, an Aggie works with him so I’ve decided I will go with her whenever that time comes. 

Speaking of getting pregnant, we are officially trying for #2. I’m nervous at the thought of getting pregnant so quickly, but what if it’s years before we have another one. I love Mason so deeply, will I be able to give that same love to the next child? Thoughts like this just keep me up at night-maybe that’s why I can’t sleep.

Round two and updates 

It has never been a secret that we wanted to have our children back to back. At least that has been the plan. I’ve had a lot of friends including family tell me that I’m crazy for wanting to try so soon. “Why can’t you just enjoy the time you have with Mason?” It just infuriates me that people who say this have obviously never been through what I had to go through to have a baby. They STILL don’t get it, nor do I expect them to. 

Where the unknown lies is whether we could suffer secondary infertility, or third, or fourth. Yes I want four children, but we will see if we get there.

It took my body 3 years to conceive a normal pregnancy, and who knows if it will be another three years before we can have another child. We just don’t know, so why not start now. At least get my body ready physically. I know what I need to do this time.

I’ve reached out to my Creighton teacher and asked for a refresher course on charting. I’m going to chart for two months then visit my doctor – same routine as the first three pregnancies. 

Am I scared? Yes. I am scared of seeing one line month after month. I am scared of another miscarriage. I am scared of secondary infertility. I am scared that Mason will grow up being the only child. However, I’m lucky to have a supportive husband who shares the same feelings of having more children and isn’t afraid to get the ball rolling now.

There’s a deep desire in my heart to have a big family. I have prayed to our Lord constantly to bless us with as many children as my womb can bare. 

On a side note, we’ve got a few things planned this year for our little family. Mason will be baptized in the Catholic Church in July. Then fast forward to November where Ryan and I will validate our marriage through the Catholic Church. This is something that I have been looking forward to since before Mason was born. We will basically be married again. 

I am still pumping 4-5 times per day. I realized that it didn’t matter if I pumped once or 8 times a day, my output would never be more than 2 oz per session. Mason gets two bottles of all BM per day as that is all my body can make. I have been wanting to throw in the towel. It has crossed my mind several dozen times, but I keep pumping because it’s what I want for him. Next item on the list is to have his tongue revised for a third time. Poor guy 😢

Anyway, hope y’all can keep up with my ramblings, next time I will have my thoughts more put together….hopefully. 

Mothers Day

It’s 530 am and my my husband gently wakes me with a hug and whispers “Happy Mothers Day” in my ear. Cue the tears.

I have been longing for this day for YEARS. 

I gave Mason a kiss this morning and said “thank you for making me your mama”. I know he doesn’t understand me but he gave me the biggest gummy smile that melted my heart then fell asleep in my arms as I rocked him back to sleep. 

Happy Mother’s Day.

F you pcos

I did it. I kept going no matter how bad I wanted to quit, I knew I had to keep breastfeeding for my son. 

He now latches without the nipple shield. I still do not produce enough milk for him, but I feed him whatever my body can make then finish with formula.

I am on cloud 9 and love our BF relationship. 

The down side to all of this, and unfortunately there is a down side, and it’s that his tongue tie reattached once again. I was heartbroken, but we are working with a LC and doing cranial sacral therapy which has helped tremendously. I will more than likely have to do the procedure again when he is older, but for now, I will take this victory. 

So frustrated

I’m so frustrated and very sad about my breastfeeding journey. Hundreds of dollars spent on lactation consultants, bottles, nipple shields, aids, hospital grade pump and it’s all about to be for nothing. 

My son did fabulous at our one on one with the LC last week, but ever since then he  has refused to latch. He doesn’t like skin to skin with me much either and just cries and arches his back away from me. He would much prefer his dad or grandma over his own mom. I think it’s because I’m the one that has been causing him “pain” during all the stretching we’ve been doing in his mouth. His behavior has changed towards me and he just cries when I come near. I hope he can forgive me one day and know that what we did for him was the best possible decision as parents we could make for him. 

I hope one day he will magically latch. But I’m this close on throwing in the towel and going to EBP which is what I’ve mainly been doing since day one. 

I have yet to grieve this experience but am mentally preparing myself for when this  journey comes to an end. 

I’m out of ideas and so mentally drained…something that should be so natural just wasn’t….

My son choked

It was the scariest moment I have ever been through and thank GOD I was surrounded by doctors when it happened.

We were leaving the chiropractors office after our session with him. As usual I put him in his car seat and buckled him in. 

I will never forget that look on his face. His eyes got really big and he started bubbling at the mouth. His face started to turn bright bright red. 

I struggled to get him out the car seat as fast as I could as I had already buckled him in. I put him on my shoulder and started to pat his back but it wasn’t working. That’s when I panicked. 

I ran out of the nursery room and yelled for a doctor to help. Thank the Lord I was surrounded by several of them. The first one took Mason turned him over on his stomach face down and patted. Then she did a finger sweep and he started to cry. 

I began sobbing into a random girls arms who was so nice to offer me a hug during the ordeal.

The only thing I can think of that caused him to choke would be his reflux. 

I pray it doesn’t happen again but I am SO thankful it happened while I was still at the chiropractors and not while on our 1 hr commute home. Ironically, the week before my husband sent me a video of what to do in the event an infant is choking. I even knew what to do but I went into panick mode as staying calm was the last thing I was going to do.

He is doing much better and seems to have forgotten the ordeal. For his mom, not so much. I couldn’t sleep at all last night thinking it would happen again.

Today he is back to his normal self, hair pulling and all. 

Doctors, doctors, doctors

This week has been insane! We will have seen 6 doctors in 3 days between Mason and me. 

I last mentioned I was struggling with breastfeeding. 1) my son had a tongue and lip tie that was poorly released, 2) I have pcos and my milk production was very low. Pain stankingly low, as in I was barely pumping 2.5 ounces per day total. I rented a hospital grade pump which made my supply tank even more. I retuned that quick  and went back to my spectra. 

The night I delievered Mason, I had many visits from all sorts of LC. I made friends with one of them and sought her advice on what I needed to do to get my supply back up. Thanks to her, I am pumping 8oz per day. It still may not seem like much, but to me that is a victory in itself. 

Aside from exclusively pumping, in the last 3 weeks I researched like a mad woman on the whole tongue tie/lip tie situation. I was torn whether or not to have my sons ties revised once again. He was still showing symptoms of reflux, spitting up (after every burp and feed) constant gas, sleep issues, ect. The list went on and my son had all of it. This time, I did my research and went with a preferred provider in Houston who is an expert on ties. We took Mason and got them both released by laser. It was painful to hear my sons cries from the pain he was in, however I’m glad I did it so we could avoid long term issues as he grows and develops and that the issue is not just because he couldn’t breastfeed.

What I didn’t realize was that my son had reattachment because we did not do any excersies the first time. We didn’t do exercises because we didn’t know we needed to do them in the first place. Come to find out, the ENT we went to wasn’t well versed in ties, but neither were we so we went with the referral. I am now lifting his lip and tongue every 5-6 hrs, massaging the wounds, and doing more exercises with his mouth along with tummy time. I must do this for 6 weeks. 

We are at the same time seeing a chiropractor 2x/wk to perform body work to loosen up all his muscles that were tight due to the ties. My son now has to relearn how to use his ‘new’ tongue. We will probably add cranialsacral therapy to this too. 

I then met with a new LC who is an expert in tongue tied babies. She was PHENOMENAL. She taught me a new way to breastfeed him which works for our situation. I also have to power pump twice a day on top of taking supplements such as lactiful and Malunggay. 

We then went to his pedi and got his two month shots. At the same time, the doc told me he is starting to fall off the growth chart. He is 8lbs 13oz. In 3 weeks he’s only gained 9oz. I strongly believe it is because of the ties. I also decided right then and there that I was going to switch pediatricians. I have been contemplating it for a while, and although his doctor is very lovely, I need someone that is not so much by the book. I am old school and my son has different needs. I also need a doctor to support what I am doing and I don’t feel like I have that with her. His pedi told me my son wasn’t gaining weight but never once asked me about his eating habits. A good doctor in my opinion would ask how much he is eating and how often. From there they could have given me advice on what I needed to do to get his weight to go up and I got nothing. THEN I’m told I have to take him to a neurosurgeon because he has a flat spot on his head. Again, it’s because he was tongue tied! I could go on about this forever, but my rant will end here. 

Today I went back to my obgyn because I haven’t completely healed. He put some ointment in there that should do the trick. At the same time referred me to a gastroenterologist as I am having a different issue that is very painful and scary. Ugh, I have never seen so many doctors in my life. 

Goals for the next 6 weeks

  • Keep up with Masons healing of his tongue and lip
  • Continue Masons physical therapy
  • Increase my milk supply
  • Continue breastfeeding at least 3 times per day. 
  • Mom needs to go to the GI doctor 
  • Find a new pediatrician 
  • Go on a date with my husband

Breastfeeding: On the verge of failing

I had this glorious vision of how I was going to be that super mom and only give my child breastmilk. After all, my mom is so proud that she was able to EBF me until I was one. She tells me how amazing her supply was and I envy that. 

As her daughter, I thought I would inherit those same genes, but I was WRONG! To add to the difficulty we went through to have Mason, let’s just throw breastfeeding in there too. 

I have PCOS. Up until I was 32 weeks pregnant, I had NO IDEA that women with PCOS had issues with BF. I was on cloud nine and so excited for my milk to come in. I envisioned this symbotic relationship that I would have with my son and how close it was going to make us. But as soon as I heard the lacatation consultant say that, my heart sank. You need progesterone and estrogen to help with supply and we all know my body lacks progesterone. From that point on, I didn’t think I would thrive. 

Fast forward 6 weeks later, and my baby is mainly formula fed. I am lucky if I can pump enough to give him at least 3 oz of breastmilk per day. I make one measly attempt per day to put him on the breast. This involves exclusive use of the nipple shield as he does not like my own. I begin to sweat and the anxiety build up kills me. He cries because he can’t latch well, then he screams because my let down is not instant and he has to work for it. I began squeezing some breast milk into the nipple shield as this is the ONLY way he will suckle on his own. 

On top of all of that, Mason has a posterior tongue and lip tie which doesn’t give his tongue the ability to move freely. This entire ordeal breaks my heart and I’m killing myself over my lack of milk production and his inability to latch properly. 

To top it all off, we discovered he has an allergy to dairy which means I must lay off dairy and eggs and switch to a more expensive dairy free formula.

I feel like a failure. I feel like I have failed my son. Why can’t my body just do something right for once? I know there is nothing wrong with formula feeding your child, but that wasn’t my plan. That’s not what I wanted to do. 

I have to constantly remind myself that at the end of the day fed is best. My little rainbow is thriving and already up to 8.5 lbs. Every now and then he will shoot me a smile and I know everything in the end will be ok.